Lois' Halloween 2008: WAYYYYY better than last year.
Suffice it to say, Lois was very excited for Halloween this year. Considering last year's costume debacle (her take on a "sexy Pancho Villa" was a disgrace and a Halloween foreign policy nightmare), she was a little nervous. And rightfully so. But now that it's the end of November and we're still talking about this year's Halloween, she must have had a pretty good day. I'll blog about it.
To avoid the insults and stonings she weathered last Halloween from the many revelers dressed as late-19th century middle-class Mexican nationalists, Lois decided to take the ethnic "edge" off this year's 'stume, and to have several alternate choices of dress handy if/when she needed to respond to yet another turning tide of public Halloween sentiment. She was bound and determined that no charges of Halloween ethnic cleansing be alleged this year, and she was "dog" tired of going to Halloween court!
It was decided Lois would begin the day in costume #1 as a Longshoreman. Nothing sexy, nothing controversial.
Or so we thought. Note that her costume consists only of a salty-dog type hat, and a red collar. No AFL-CIO union papers, no union membership card, no work gloves. Well, wouldn't you know, a local group of teens dressed as the International Longshoreman's Association chased Lois' stevedorin' butt all the way back home. Apparently they didn't like the sight of a "non-union bitch" on the Halloween docks.
Halloween 1, Lois 0.
But the day was still young.
Lois had just the thing for costume #2. If the unionized Halloween celebrants couldn't handle her, she'd dress as a "Boss" and then no one would ask her any questions and if they did she'd just say "Be quiet and go back to work please. And I know you've been stealing office supplies." And if that power play didn't send them scurrying back to their cubes, she'd threaten Halloween firing.
And threaten firing she did. A lot. Some roustabouts dressed as hobos took one look at the nice collared shirt Lois was wearing, and immediately raged against her, believing her to be "the man" or possibly "the machine." They chased her golden-parachuted butt all the way home. Dressing as "the man" without having the backbone to actually BE "the man," Lois learned, is a recipe for Halloween disaster.
Halloween 2, Lois 0.
So Lois moved on to costume #3, a comment on the military-industrial complex and the war in Iraq. With several $20's sticking out of her pocket (keep in mind this is no small fortune to Lois) she donned some paramilitary-style camouflaged pants and looked every bit of the highly-trained, highly-compensated, and highly-controversial Private Defense Contractor she sought to portray.
However, when she encountered other revelers dressed as members of a Kurdish sectarian militia... well, needless to say they chased her blackwater-butt all the way home.
With score Halloween 3, Lois 0, things were looking g-r-i-m.
It was early evening by the time Lois finally found a winning look: costume #4. In the end, it was quite simple. Step 1: find something everyone likes, such as pizza, going to the movies, or pilates. Lois chose "consumerism." Edgy girl. Step 2: combine it with a benign, overdone, and historically appreciated monster costume like a vampire, a witch, or some hoboscum. Lois chose a mummy. The results speak for themselves:
As the "Crate & Barell Mummy," Lois haunted a variety of Halloween parties and after-hours functions, at one point even taking the stage with members of Cypress Hill to perform a one-off rendition of "Monster Mash." What an awesome Halloween for this dog!
All she knows is she stopped keeping score at Lois 11, Halloween 3, as that's all the higher she can count.
Halloween 2008 was a true success. And you can pin that to your sexy pancho, Villa.
